need another drink. this is the easiest way
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
