Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
