i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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