Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
