Already got asked if we're dating
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
