I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
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My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think i got beer on your cat.
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