Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
