Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
