walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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