My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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