Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
