The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
