Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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