Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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