Will you blow on my dice?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
