If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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