lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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