You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
