I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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