I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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