Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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