I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My vagina is very pro this idea
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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