did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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