i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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