Will you blow on my dice?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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