shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
we're so committed to being not committed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
