Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
