he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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