My liver just broke up with me...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
