It's Friday. Sex?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize