You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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