dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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