Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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