I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
