I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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