i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
