so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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