dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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