My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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