if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
