My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
