I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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