Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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