This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
