I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
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Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
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We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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