my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
