I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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