my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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