Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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