I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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