I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
