I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Bring me that man meat
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize