I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
