i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
And then he peed in my hair
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